Saturday, December 1, 2012

2012 December - Day 160: Adrenaline character (Part Four)

I was bullied on the street years back, when I was still in the primary school. I was headed home after the training of basketball and on the way two people stopped me on the street and wanted to have a handy phone from me. I said that I don't have the handy phone with me (and luckily I really didn't), then they examined me, didn't find the handy phone and then one said "Come with us." and the other said "Let him go." and they eventually let me go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a fear of being bullied on the streets.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a fear of walking alone on the streets.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a fear that somebody will take my handy phone away from me.
When and as I see myself to experience one of those three fears, I stop and breathe.
I realize that I have more or less managed to overcome these three fears, that were installed into me as a child.
I commit myself to remove the very last fragments of these three fears mentioned, understanding that I am not a child anymore and people probably wouldn't go and bully an adult, and if they do, I commit myself to show no fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to STORE within and as myself, a past memory experience of being bullied by people on the street. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to TRIGGER this experience when and as a situation in my life manifest where I perceive someone I care about is being bullied. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to activate this memory from my past where I expereinced fear and project the fear experience when and as I perceive that someone in my environment is bullied.
When and as I see myself perceiving someone I care about being bullied, I stop and breathe.
I realize that this perception is in fact the triggering of the experience of myself being bullied on the streets, that is the past memory which I stored within and as myself.
I commit myself stopping the perception that someone in my environment is being bullied and thus stopping to participate in self-delusion and at the same time stopping to experience unnecessary emotions, that is mostly fear and then create panic/anxiety attacks in connection with adrenaline release, triggered by this self-created fear.

I've experienced this event with the great amount of fear, fearing mostly that these bullying people will violate me or hurt me. When they let me go I felt releaved, but the experience installed the fear inside of me as I later discovered and I suppressed this fear and thus through this suppression this fear was influencing me as a starting point to much more mindfucks manifested as fear of strangers, fear of being bullied and fear of walking alone on the streets. When I got home I told the story to my parents and they gave me some support in terms of not creating additional fears based on that event and also suggested me not to tell the story to my grandmother who has the tendency to create unnecessary fears and so she would be afraid/worried everytime I would walk alone somewhere outside.
When and as I see myself re-experiencing the event of being bullied on the streets, I stop and breathe.
I realize that I have already overcome these fears in connection with being bullied on the streets.
I commit myself that the event of being bullied on the streets has no effect on me Now, that is NOT creating any additional fears connected to this event of being bullied.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a fear of strangers.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the experience of being bullied installed the fears inside of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress these fears.
When and as I see myself experiencing the fears in connection of strangers and being bullied, I stop and breathe.
I realize that these fears are irrational, unnecessary and of system in design and as such only burden me, separate me and keep me away from myself.
I commit myself to face these suppressed fears, overcome them and neutralise them so that they have no more impact on me Here and Now.

I am satisfied because I managed to overcome these fears connected to bullying, because I am not a child anymore and people probably wouldn't go and bully an adult person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself NOT to realize exactly how I would react when being bullied on the streets. If there would be one person bullying me/threatening me with a knife, wanting to have money/handy phone from me, I would probably show no fear and I would try to talk to that person, which would probably be some drug addict needing the money for his daily dose and I would be like »Ok, I will give you 5€, no need to threatening me.« If there would be more bandits circleing me on the streets, wanting to have money/handy phone from me, I would probably react with fear, that would trigger adrenaline reaction and I would run away immediately from this dangerous situation, that is physically running away.
When and as I notice myself creating the fears in connection with being bullied, I stop and breathe.
I realize that I have managed to overcome this fear of being being bullied by one person, but on the other hand still have some self-created fear inside of me concerning being bullied by more bandits.
I commit myself to show no fear if being bullied on the streets by one person, giving him some money, which he apparently desparately needs and thus elegantly keep myself out of that bullying situation.
I commit myself to stop the fear as a starting point if being circled by more bandits, but react with fight-or-flight, probably with some adrenaline release that would enable me to get away from the threatening situation.

I realize that there is no such thing as walking away from danger when you are being circled by bandits and already received some punches in the head. In this moment you only have two choices, that is fight back or run away. If you choose the first option, you have to be completely sure that you'll win the fight, otherwise you will end up beaten to the ground, being kicked in the head, being heavily injured and taken money/handy phone away from you. If you have chosen the second option, you have to run like hell, make sure that the bandits don't catch you. In this 'making a decision' the adrenaline comes in, and this is really the full meaning/purpose of the adrenaline, enabling you to make a decision in a split of a second called fight-or-flight, (without a rational thought), that is fighting back or running away from the threat as mentioned.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with adrenaline based on fear as the starting point, instead of realising that adrenaline release has its purpose/meaning when NOT connected to fear, that is giving you the power to fight back or the power to run fast.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever require fear as the directive principle, but simply breathe, assessing all options and decide to do what self sees as best in self trust and common sense.
When and as I see myself to react with fear as the directive principle, I stop and breathe.
I realize that the directive principle in my life can be fear or simply common sense.
I commit myself to require no fear as the directive principle, not even when exposed to threat of any kind and always react with common sense and maybe some adrenaline release in the extreme situations.

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