Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Day 164: My first Love experience (Part One)

My first experience with the word 'love' was back in 2002 when I was in the 8th class of primary school. I had my eyes on the girl from the 7th class and – what was the most fascinating – I had the information from my class-mate that this same girl in interested in me. So – what I did is write her an SMS and we arranged our first date. I can still remember – it was a snowy Tuesday in February – when we first met. We went to a walk in the park in Celje, our home town and I this was the time when I felt in love with her and this feeling of being in love was getting stronger and stronger and soon I was completely head over heels in love with her. The experience was very powerful, I remember I was thinking about that girl 24/7 and I had these feeling of butterflies in the stomack and I was in love so much that it felt like being drunk all the time especially when listening to some romantic music. We met only once more, that is when we went to the cinema together, otherwise it was more like an SMS love – we were in contact via these handy phone messanges all the time, spending a lot of money for it. What became clear after the 2 months of this SMS love relationship was that we don't get along so well because we were such characters that doesn't match and I didn't even realize that because I was so much in love that I lost my common sense and percieve the relationship as 'serious relationship'. Then what happened later was that we missed ourselves twice for having a date and I got angry and she used this situation for lefting me. I percieved this situation with great emotion, I was so broken-hearted and had this feeling that I will never be able to love a woman again. I was constantly analysing what went wrong, what I did wrong, what she did wrong, why we didn't get along together, what made our relatinoship to end, did she ever love me and I was doing these inner analyses for days, maybe even weeks and then finaly being able to get over her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this relationship so seriously, instead of realizing that it is just a primary school romance and thus didn't percieve it as such.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that taking relationship seriously in the primary school period is wrong.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that seriousness in relationship can only be done in later age.
I realize that in terms of seriousness there is nothing I would want to correct in my next relationship and at the same time stay into the relatonship if it is serious, otherwise I percieve it as a waste of time/money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to persist staying into this relationship in spite of my mother telling me that this relationship has no future.
When and as I notice myself being exposed to my mother's advice/opinion/direction, I stop and breathe.
I realize that someone who is not involved in the relationship has clearer view on the things like the future of the relationship and also realizing that my mother had good common sense and the wisdom of life, so I give value to her words and her opinions/advice/directions.
I commit to take into consideration what my mother is telling me and investigate what were the reasons on which her opinions are based and then use common sense to realize the points that I have taken into consideration without relying on the feelings/emotions and act as stable and grounded and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exert my anger when we missed out for the second time our arrangement for the date and thus my anger being one of the reasons for the breakup.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself NOT to take responsibility for missing the date.
I realize that we were both equally responsible for missing the date and at the same time realize that all anger exerted in any way is in essence the anger towards myself and myself only –for what I did wrong, because I only can be responsible for me and my part of the failure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dis-honest with myself in terms of abdicating self responsibility in relation with anger.
I forgive myself to exert anger on other people as the act of self-dishonesty and thus abdicating self-responsibility instead of realizing that I am completely responsible for me and my process of self-change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for reasons and justifications so that I can exert my anger as the act of self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that exerting anger to someone or something separate from me is a statement of blame – instead of me taking self-responsibility for me in applying self-forgiveness for allowing and accepting anger within me through the participation in thoughts and thus me standing up as me for me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that anger exist within me because I am not allowing myself to take self-responsibility for me in living self-honesty.
When and as I notice myself starting to abdicate self-responsibility, that is getting angry with or at something not realizing that I am in fact angry on myself and myself only and thus becoming self-dishonest, in context of sabotaging myself with the creation of anger, which happens mostly when I am facing a frustration of any kind, I stop and breathe and establish self-responsibility/self-honesty back and as well inner stability and awareness in every moment.
I realize that being angry with and at and exerting my anger towards and to something or someone separate from me: Gets me nowhere – but left with even more frustration, anger and resentment – instead of me realising that I must stand up within and as myself as who I am and to not accept or allow anything less than who I am.
I commit myself to be self-honest to the fullest, that is taking complete responsibility for me and my process, stop/breathe through the experience of anger and stay stable and aware in every moment in presence, directing myself in breath.

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